Why Vaginas Are Like Cats
I had to go to the store to buy Monostat today. This was annoying for several reasons, including “leaving the house,” “going to the store,” and “having a damn yeast infection.” I was complaining to my friend about all of these things and told her, with rage in my heart, that vaginas are the worst pets ever.
“Yep,” she agreed. “They’re both messy.”
On the drive to Walgreens (where it was Senior Day, apparently, because there’s nothing I like better than shopping for vaginal cream in front of a bunch of elderly men), I came up with a bunch more reasons that vaginas are, in fact, like pets. Partly because it amused me and partly because I really needed something to distract me from the feeling that a platoon of fire ants were doing the hokey-pokey on my hoo-ha. Yeast infections are the worst.
So, without further ado or further conversation about my vaginal woes, my list of Ways Vaginas Are Like Cats.
1)They’re constantly grooming themselves, and they get really irritated if you try to do it for them.
Much like cats, vaginas are (mostly) self-cleaning systems. The vulva and perineum are vagina-adjacent and need to be washed regularly, ideally with gentle fragrance-free soaps, but a healthy vagina maintains itself. Washing your actual vagina can cause irritation or infection. This is why calling someone a “douche” is an insult, by the way: because you should never allow one near your genitals.
2) They’re messy.
Cats have litterboxes. They shed. They knock over their food bowls. They puke on the floor. Vaginas have varying levels of discharge (which is totally normal!), and they spew forth periods on a regular basis (if you’re lucky), but sometimes will still surprise you because fuck you, biology.
3) They’re fun to play with, but if you pet them the wrong way, no one’s happy.
This one applies more to the entire genital region and varies from person to person, but, like cats, vaginas and their associated parts (like the clitoris, vulva, and labia) are often specific in their preferences and take some time to get to know.
4) Their toys are expensive, and homemade toys are just not as much fun.
Well, it’s true. Toys that are made specifically for cats and/or (and/or? What the hell kind of sex stores am I shopping at?) vaginas are made to purpose, which means two things: They’ll likely perform better, and there’s a good chance they’re safer and easier to clean.
5) They have teeth.
That’s only half true.
6) Most of them are naturally furry.
Technically the vagina itself is hair-adjacent and is not, in fact, hairy itself, but my point stands. Some people choose to groom them; some don’t. Some people prefer the hairless kind; some people think those look weird. All of this is perfectly okay.
7) They know who they like, and nothing you do can convince them differently.
I feel like this is self explanatory, but just in case it isn’t:
7a) They’re picky eaters, and they’d rather not eat at all than eat something they don’t like. Also, other people will judge you based on how you feed yours, even though it’s none of their damn business.
Some like sausage; some like clams. Some are interested in everything; some aren’t into food at all. Some like to eat often; some have smaller appetites. No matter what they’re into, you can’t force either cats or vaginas to like something that’s not right for them.
8) Sometimes you feel like playing, and they’d rather sleep.
This is why stores sell catnip and lube. One is for cats, and one is for vaginas. I’ll let you work out which is which.
8a) Sometimes they feel like playing, and you’d rather sleep.
This is why stores sell automated toys: So you can get it out of the way and get some sleep.
9) They enact vengeance in horrible and creative ways.
A cat might pee in your shoes if you leave town for a couple days. A vagina might get a yeast infection if you use the wrong soap. Personally, I’d rather it just peed in my shoes, but we don’t get to pick.
10) There’s an endless variety in size, shape, and color, but they’re all beautiful.
Even if it takes the right person to see it. This might just be the cat person in me talking.
11) The more of them you have, the weirder people get about it.
12) They have a negative impact on your wardrobe, and sometimes force you to change at the last minute.
White pants. Black shirts. Just saying.
13) People can be real assholes to women who prefer them to men.
Fuck those people, am I right?
14) They have a name, but we give them nicknames anyway.
My cat’s name is Glyph, but the only person who calls him that is the vet. To the rest of us, he’s “Cat,” “Meow-Meow”, and “Hey Asshole.” Vaginas and their surrounding territory have their own thesaurus of nicknames, including “ladybits”, “hoo-has”, and, appropriately enough, “pussies.”
And that’s my list of reasons why vaginas are like cats. Let me know your reasons; I’d love to hear them!