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Can't Talk | October 23, 2020

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All Out of Words.

All Out of Words.
Bell
  • On October 22, 2014

I want to write words today. I want to write words that mean something, about mental illness and feminism and how to love yourself when it seems like no one else does.

I want to write the kind of words that I have been afraid to write since Gamergate started over a month ago.

I have been itching to say something, pulling at the reins, furious and hurting because the culture that grew up around a hobby that I have loved since my childhood may never feel safe again.

The problem is that I don’t know what to say anymore. I’ve been sitting quietly in a corner, watching as voices of women I admire are silenced one by one. I have been complicit in my silence, allowing those women to be sacrificed while I hid behind them. What can I say to that? How do I excuse it?

How do I respond when my son asks me why people don’t want women making games? How do I tell my daughter that, yes, she wants to be a game dev, but…

I don’t want to watch my daughter’s dreams be crushed under the weight of her gender. I don’t know how to prevent it.

I’m tired. I can’t summon the energy to be angry or afraid anymore. I’m no longer wondering if it’s safe to speak up, because I know it’s not. It never was.

I’m ready to stand. I’m ready to speak. I just don’t have anything left to say.

 

Image credit “Game Over’ by Jason Devaun, cc by-nd 2.0

 

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